So today's been a bit rough. My BFF (who just had a baby in December after trying for about a year...) called to tell me she is pregnant again. It was an accident, but of course they are excited nonetheless. She has been with me through this entire journey, and when she told me today she was expecting she burst into tears because she knew how hard it would be for me to take. Oddly enough, her sobbing on the phone made it a little easier. I know it breaks her heart when I am upset, just like it breaks mine when she is.
In other news, our fertility appointment was scheduled for July 25th and J found out today that he can't take off that day. He is in upper management where he works, so usually scheduling is not a problem, but apparently I picked the worst day of the entire year to schedule it on. So I'll be calling tomorrow to reschedule. Of course, I'll let you know the new date. What's more frustrating is that now that BFF is pregnant I feel even more pressure to become pregnant. We've grown up together, literally, and I would love to experience this with her. Not just from the sidelines. Having to reschedule puts me an entire month behind schedule. And that's so irritating.
After a good long cry with my stuffed bunny Cottontail and my cat Huckleberry both snuggled up with me, I've decided the follow suit and not be discouraged. Many of you have created little lists of things that you are thankful for, so I decided in an effort to cheer myself up I would make one, too. And you know what? It worked :) So here it is, in no particular order, the things I am thankful for...
1. My husband. Each day in the journey of infertility brings us closer. I couldn't do this with anyone else.
2. Friends/family- they are so very supportive. I adore my parents, my in laws, and all of my friends, including my new blogger ones!
3. My house. I've been blessed to live in my dream house for several years now. It's got plenty of room to grow, and I'm glad we won't have to worry about feeling cramped inside.
4. My job/insurance. I don't particularly care for the job itself, but I have an awesome boss and really great co-workers. I get 5 weeks paid vacation a year, make great money, and have insurance that will cover alot of our infertility treatment. Most people struggle through the costs of infertility.
5. The safety of my brother. He is a Marine and did 3 tours in Iraq. He is in infantry, and did alot of hand-to-hand combat. He lost about 20 friends, and was ambushed a few times. I'm so thankful he was not harmed.
6. My car. It works, it's not bad looking, and it's air-conditioned.
7. The opportunity to go to school. Even after my extended break, I'm thankful I have the opportunity to go back and pursue a degree in what I want to do, not what have to do.
8. My great doctor. I cannot begin to tell you how much this man means to me. I truly believe he was appointed by God to be a doctor. Each and every appointment I've ever had with him has been awesome. When we were going through the Clomid he took at least 15 minutes to ask me how I was feeling emotionally, and when I didn't know what questions to ask, he answered them for me. He's just amazing.
9. My BFF. We've been best friends now for almost 15 years. She's closer to me than most people are to their siblings. We've had plenty of downs through the years, but we fight through them and come out closer than before. I love her so much, and I know a friendship like ours is rare.
10. Security. Although not having a baby sucks, I'm thankful that at this point in my life I'm secure. Emotionally, financially, spiritually. My walk with God has grown tremendously over the last few years, I'm actually ready to have a baby, and money is not a huge object for us.
There you have it. Reasons why I feel so blessed each and every day.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
I'm exhausted!
What a busy weekend. A good one though. Friday during the day I had to work (ugh) but I got off at 5, so there was plenty of time to see the fireworks. We had been planning for several months now to go to a party we'd been invited to, but I was tired and quite grumpy (no doubt to the impending visit from AF) and so we decided to have a quiet evening at home. We sat on our front porch snuggled up in the dark and thouroughly enjoyed the neighbors well spent money on a large variety of fireworks. It was actually nice. It reminded me of him proposing - we got engaged on July 4th during the grand finale of a large fireworks display. It was quite romantic :)
Saturday was so friggin' awesome! There was a concert at the Titans football staduim that included a line-up of Sammy Hagar, Gary Allan, Leanne Rimes, Keith Urban, and Kenny Chesney. I've been looking forward to it for quite sometime, and it did NOT disappoint! It was, however, a concert that lasted for 8 hours and we tailgated for 4 hours before it even started. So I am quite sunburned! If you remember a few posts ago, I am a huge, huge fan of Sugarland. WELL, during Kenny Chesney's performance he's like,"I'm bringing out a special guest-she and Christian..." He continued, but I didn't hear what he said because I let out a squeal and started yelling at J that it was Jennifer Nettles. Poor J. He just knew I would be wrong and I think it embarrassed him that I yelled before anyone else. About 25 seconds after my inital squeal of joy, about 20,000 other girls yelled with me because sure enough it was her. That was the highlight of my entire weekend.
I should mention that AF did arrive on Sunday, and this is month 2 of a normal cycle. Woo hoo! This Friday will be two weeks until our appt with RE. The closer it gets the more nervous I get! I just want it to be here already!!!! But at least I feel like the last 2 cycles start me on a positive note.
Saturday was so friggin' awesome! There was a concert at the Titans football staduim that included a line-up of Sammy Hagar, Gary Allan, Leanne Rimes, Keith Urban, and Kenny Chesney. I've been looking forward to it for quite sometime, and it did NOT disappoint! It was, however, a concert that lasted for 8 hours and we tailgated for 4 hours before it even started. So I am quite sunburned! If you remember a few posts ago, I am a huge, huge fan of Sugarland. WELL, during Kenny Chesney's performance he's like,"I'm bringing out a special guest-she and Christian..." He continued, but I didn't hear what he said because I let out a squeal and started yelling at J that it was Jennifer Nettles. Poor J. He just knew I would be wrong and I think it embarrassed him that I yelled before anyone else. About 25 seconds after my inital squeal of joy, about 20,000 other girls yelled with me because sure enough it was her. That was the highlight of my entire weekend.
I should mention that AF did arrive on Sunday, and this is month 2 of a normal cycle. Woo hoo! This Friday will be two weeks until our appt with RE. The closer it gets the more nervous I get! I just want it to be here already!!!! But at least I feel like the last 2 cycles start me on a positive note.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Drum Roll Please....
I did it. I finally made an appt with the RE. And oddly enough I am actually, well, excited about it!
One of our big concerns was where to go. There are two facilities in Nashville, which is about an hour away from us, that we've been considering. One, we heard nothing but bad things about, and the other we hadn't heard anything at all about. The one that we heard the negative reports on was the one that J had to go to when he had his sperm analysis done. We had a hard time getting ahold of the office to schedule. He called for several weeks and left several messages, and no one ever called back. It was like 3 weeks later when he finally heard something and was able to go in. That in and of itself was a big enough deal for me not to go back. I mean, if they can't call someone back on something little, why in the world would I trust them to call back with good (or bad) news? Some friends of mine had bad things to say as well-two couples that I know went and both said the doctor immediately started pushing them towards IVF, and seemed insulted when they wanted to discuss other options first. Having said all of that, a couple of weeks ago when I started researching, I thought I would call just to get some general information. When I did the nurse seemed confused that I was calling to schedule in advance and said that most of the time they could see couples same day. Hmmmm...same day, huh?
Now onto the good clinic. I wasn't aware that this one even existed until a few weeks ago (which is one of the reasons I was having so many concerns over whether or not to make an appt) One of our friends, who had decided the bad place wasn't for them, found out about this clinic and said their visits have been amazing. So I looked it up. They have all the same features as the other, the doctor has an awesome resume, and when I called I found out they book at least 6 weeks in advance and rarely have cancellations. That sounds like a darn good clinic to me! So I made an appt on the spot. We are scheduled to go July 25th. I'm so nervous, but so excited all at the same time! More than anything, I am ready to find out exactly what we can do to get pregnant, and when we can start!
We've opted not to tell our families that we made an appt. They are supportive, but we would rather keep this completely private. In a way, I wish we hadn't told them we were TTC at all. So I'm sure you guys will get TONS of details, as I'll be ready to burst with information since we're not telling anyone IRL! Now it's time to kick up the diet and exercise a notch. I'm hoping to lose at least another 10 pounds before our first appt. I'll keep you updated!
One of our big concerns was where to go. There are two facilities in Nashville, which is about an hour away from us, that we've been considering. One, we heard nothing but bad things about, and the other we hadn't heard anything at all about. The one that we heard the negative reports on was the one that J had to go to when he had his sperm analysis done. We had a hard time getting ahold of the office to schedule. He called for several weeks and left several messages, and no one ever called back. It was like 3 weeks later when he finally heard something and was able to go in. That in and of itself was a big enough deal for me not to go back. I mean, if they can't call someone back on something little, why in the world would I trust them to call back with good (or bad) news? Some friends of mine had bad things to say as well-two couples that I know went and both said the doctor immediately started pushing them towards IVF, and seemed insulted when they wanted to discuss other options first. Having said all of that, a couple of weeks ago when I started researching, I thought I would call just to get some general information. When I did the nurse seemed confused that I was calling to schedule in advance and said that most of the time they could see couples same day. Hmmmm...same day, huh?
Now onto the good clinic. I wasn't aware that this one even existed until a few weeks ago (which is one of the reasons I was having so many concerns over whether or not to make an appt) One of our friends, who had decided the bad place wasn't for them, found out about this clinic and said their visits have been amazing. So I looked it up. They have all the same features as the other, the doctor has an awesome resume, and when I called I found out they book at least 6 weeks in advance and rarely have cancellations. That sounds like a darn good clinic to me! So I made an appt on the spot. We are scheduled to go July 25th. I'm so nervous, but so excited all at the same time! More than anything, I am ready to find out exactly what we can do to get pregnant, and when we can start!
We've opted not to tell our families that we made an appt. They are supportive, but we would rather keep this completely private. In a way, I wish we hadn't told them we were TTC at all. So I'm sure you guys will get TONS of details, as I'll be ready to burst with information since we're not telling anyone IRL! Now it's time to kick up the diet and exercise a notch. I'm hoping to lose at least another 10 pounds before our first appt. I'll keep you updated!
Friday, June 27, 2008
All About Nothing...
So I've decided to entertain those of you who care with a blog about nothing. That's right. An entire blog devoted to my ramblings. It was composed in the insanity of my up-really-late-last-night-mindframe, which explains the time reference...
So it's 1:10 AM and I am up writing and surfing my space. Want to know why? Because I get to sleep in tomorrow! WOO HOO! I've decided it was not my greatest idea to take two summer classes. I am feeling quite overwhelmed and over-worked these last few weeks, and I am honestly ready to quit and go outside to lay out in the sunshine. It's beautiful outside when I'm in a bathing suit sweating in the privacy of my yard, or at least the privacy of others who are sweating, too. It is not, I repeat not, beautiful outside when I have to hike a mile to class and then endure sweating in front of people who do not seem to sweat. What the?! Where could they possibly be parking to avoid THAT?!
OH! Have you heard "All I Want to Do" by Sugarland? It's my favorite summer song. I couldn't have written a more perfect song to describe me right now! Seriously. J came home the other day to find me dancing in a t-shirt and undies, singing to a spatula, while I was cleaning the kitchen to this song. You should totally try that just for the record. In my opinion it should be a mandatory part of therapy for the crazies. Betcha they'd feel better after a few rounds with this song and their favorite kitchen utensil!!! Maybe I should provide this valuable feedback to our local congressman. I'll get right on that.
So I really need a different position at work. I am totally annoyed by stupid people. Today I call Sprint (which, for the record, is outsourced in the Phillipines) and I say, word for word, "Hey, this is Kristen from the port center. I'm needing to get the correct account number to switch a customer." And I swear to you she says, "I'll be happy to help you with that. Now Kristen, what did you say your name was?" Yep. That right there should be a good indication you do not want Sprint as your provider. Personally I'd go with Verizon, but at the very least AT&T, or Cingular, or whatever the heck they are this week. You'll get crappy customer service, but relatively decent coverage.
So the new Vanity Fair that came out this month. Angelina Jolie is on the cover, so you would assume that you are going to see beautiful pregnant photos of her, right? And I'm all about some belly shots! Not so much. She was apparently only a couple months preggers during the interview, so you can't even tell. Shucks. I'm really trying to be a big fan of hers. Really. I think she's beautiful. And she and I have things in common-one of which is that we both think her husband is beautiful (hehehe) BUT, I just can't seem to get past her tearing apart America's sweethearts. As much as I love her humanitarian work, I'll always vote for team Aniston.
Well, that about covers everything I wanted to say about nothing. If you've made it this far, wow. You really are a devoted reader.
So it's 1:10 AM and I am up writing and surfing my space. Want to know why? Because I get to sleep in tomorrow! WOO HOO! I've decided it was not my greatest idea to take two summer classes. I am feeling quite overwhelmed and over-worked these last few weeks, and I am honestly ready to quit and go outside to lay out in the sunshine. It's beautiful outside when I'm in a bathing suit sweating in the privacy of my yard, or at least the privacy of others who are sweating, too. It is not, I repeat not, beautiful outside when I have to hike a mile to class and then endure sweating in front of people who do not seem to sweat. What the?! Where could they possibly be parking to avoid THAT?!
OH! Have you heard "All I Want to Do" by Sugarland? It's my favorite summer song. I couldn't have written a more perfect song to describe me right now! Seriously. J came home the other day to find me dancing in a t-shirt and undies, singing to a spatula, while I was cleaning the kitchen to this song. You should totally try that just for the record. In my opinion it should be a mandatory part of therapy for the crazies. Betcha they'd feel better after a few rounds with this song and their favorite kitchen utensil!!! Maybe I should provide this valuable feedback to our local congressman. I'll get right on that.
So I really need a different position at work. I am totally annoyed by stupid people. Today I call Sprint (which, for the record, is outsourced in the Phillipines) and I say, word for word, "Hey, this is Kristen from the port center. I'm needing to get the correct account number to switch a customer." And I swear to you she says, "I'll be happy to help you with that. Now Kristen, what did you say your name was?" Yep. That right there should be a good indication you do not want Sprint as your provider. Personally I'd go with Verizon, but at the very least AT&T, or Cingular, or whatever the heck they are this week. You'll get crappy customer service, but relatively decent coverage.
So the new Vanity Fair that came out this month. Angelina Jolie is on the cover, so you would assume that you are going to see beautiful pregnant photos of her, right? And I'm all about some belly shots! Not so much. She was apparently only a couple months preggers during the interview, so you can't even tell. Shucks. I'm really trying to be a big fan of hers. Really. I think she's beautiful. And she and I have things in common-one of which is that we both think her husband is beautiful (hehehe) BUT, I just can't seem to get past her tearing apart America's sweethearts. As much as I love her humanitarian work, I'll always vote for team Aniston.
Well, that about covers everything I wanted to say about nothing. If you've made it this far, wow. You really are a devoted reader.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Springtime and Babies...
So maybe I'm a weirdo friend who is over-attached, but I feel really close to the ladies whose blogs I read regularly. I feel like I've known you guys for years, and that I could literally tell you anything. And often, I do. Having said that, I found out that two of my blog friends are pregnant just in my reading today! WOO HOO! For those of you who are-I wish I could give you big hugs and cry along with you. For those of you who aren't but are still diligently trying, there is certainly something in the water, so don't give up hope quite yet. (I say that with my finger pointing at myself)
It seems like everyone I know IRL is pregnant right now. Literally. Just for kicks, I'll name a few. As I am typing this, my step-sister is in labor about to deliver. My sister-in-law is due January 30th. Two of my very best friends-Kim and Lori are due within two days of each other in November. My uncle Randy and his wife are due Christmas day, and I just found out a friend from work is expecting.....sigh......I am still hoping and praying that it will happen, but it's frustrating when it seems to happen to everyone else first. What's more frustrating is all of those darn baby showers I know are coming up.
So as I was reading my Bible I came across a verse that seemed to be quite appropriate for the feelings of the day. It's in Proverbs 14:30 and says, "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." It stopped me and almost took me by surprise! I have been so envious all week, that it's made me a little bitter. Shame on me. With all of the aforementioned babies on the way, I'm sure it's not hard to understand why I would be feeling a bit envious, but still, it doesn't make it right. I keep thinking in terms of my life as a puzzle. When you look at one piece-it's ugly and doesn't make any sense at all, and you can in no way determine what the puzzle will look like. This baby thing-in the big picture-it's only one small piece. I'm not supposed to understand what the puzzle looks like yet, because I'm only seeing part of it. Like any good mystery, I am anxious to read ahead to the ending and see the outcome, but it seems like daily I feel as though God is gently saying, "Just wait. Trust me and I'll give you the desires of your heart." I do trust Him, and I pray for the peace that only He can provide in such a bittersweet time.
It seems like everyone I know IRL is pregnant right now. Literally. Just for kicks, I'll name a few. As I am typing this, my step-sister is in labor about to deliver. My sister-in-law is due January 30th. Two of my very best friends-Kim and Lori are due within two days of each other in November. My uncle Randy and his wife are due Christmas day, and I just found out a friend from work is expecting.....sigh......I am still hoping and praying that it will happen, but it's frustrating when it seems to happen to everyone else first. What's more frustrating is all of those darn baby showers I know are coming up.
So as I was reading my Bible I came across a verse that seemed to be quite appropriate for the feelings of the day. It's in Proverbs 14:30 and says, "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." It stopped me and almost took me by surprise! I have been so envious all week, that it's made me a little bitter. Shame on me. With all of the aforementioned babies on the way, I'm sure it's not hard to understand why I would be feeling a bit envious, but still, it doesn't make it right. I keep thinking in terms of my life as a puzzle. When you look at one piece-it's ugly and doesn't make any sense at all, and you can in no way determine what the puzzle will look like. This baby thing-in the big picture-it's only one small piece. I'm not supposed to understand what the puzzle looks like yet, because I'm only seeing part of it. Like any good mystery, I am anxious to read ahead to the ending and see the outcome, but it seems like daily I feel as though God is gently saying, "Just wait. Trust me and I'll give you the desires of your heart." I do trust Him, and I pray for the peace that only He can provide in such a bittersweet time.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Molly Ann
So this post is about a family I have never met, never seen, and before this week never knew existed at all. I feel as if I know them though, and I am heartbroken for them. Earlier in the week I received an e-mail from my cousin regarding a friend of a friend. This family had a beautiful, healthy baby girl, weighing in at 7 pounds, and when she was born they discovered a rare tumor in her brain. The entire week I've received updates about her condition-what it is, what they can do, what damage was already done. The family found out that it would take more than 20 surgeries to repair her, and even then, the odds were not at all in favor of her surviving. So the family decided to take her off of life support, and although we haven't been updated, they expected her to pass away very quickly after it was removed. The last update I received was written by the baby's grandfather, and I really wanted to share it with you:
As the sun is coming out here in Colorado , and The Son will soon be welcoming home Rebecca and Jakes daughter, Molly. A gift, entrusted to them for 7 days, to be ushered home, undoubtedly by a band of the gentlest and mighty angels dispatched from the throne of God to carry her into the presence of The Savior. What has been tough, is about to get much tougher. Pray for Rebecca and Jake and forward this email to anyone you know who will pray for them. Our days here have been so full of the presence of God. Honoring Him for Molly Ann. Friday morning she was born… she didn’t cry for nearly 4’ because she was suffering from congestive heart failure. Her mom held her only for seconds before she was whisked away to be placed on life support. We think her problem is a heart murmur. Oh how I wish that was all she had. She is rushed by ambulance to The Children’s Hospital here in Aurora . We arrive that evening to hear Jake say she is going to need brain surgery. I am thinking…I wish it was a heart murmur. Saturday was a day of testing, in more ways than one. She has x-rays, ultra-sound, and MRIs around 11. The radiologist makes a copy for Jake and me from her text book about the Vein of Galen. I go on line and find out that Molly is up against a serious abnormality in the middle of her brain that it is VERY rare and VERY destructive. Around 4 we are seated in a private room with a neurologist, cardiologist, neonatologist, and nurse giving us the news that over 50% of Molly’s brain is permanently damaged and that the damage affects both halves of the brain. 10-15-20 dangerous surgeries, she MIGHT be able to have A FEW functions as a human being. (Later I talk to a friend who has been a neurologist for 30 years and he puts it in perspective—“In cases like Molly where there is so much brain damage, I have never seen a good outcome through surgery.” Never is a strong word. Yet we hope and pray for a miracle…even today) It is as though this young couple have been hit by a truck, news beyond comprehension. Joy turns to mourning. In other words, it would take a miracle for Molly to live. Sunday Jake’s parents, Bill and Pam Mutz, arrive along with some of their family. Laura flies in from DC, Samuel and Stephanie and their three children fly in from Seattle , Ashley flies in from Memphis where she was on vacation with her husband and 5 sons and Ben and Marsha Kay come to the hospital. Rebecca and Jake want to introduce their new daughter to each family member. Many come and kneel at Rebecca’s feet and just sob. When a family is being a family it is powerful. Worshipful. God honoring. Jake and Rebecca spend a good bit of Sunday and Monday praying, talking, seeking second opinions trying to decide what is God’s will for Molly…what is the loving thing to do? Monday we surround Molly and have a baby dedication, read Scripture, pray and sing a couple of songs. More than a dozen of us weep our way through the familiar hymn: Turn your eyes upon Jesus.Look full in His wonderful face.And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,In the light of His glory and grace.Again many of us kneel at Rebecca’s feet as she hold’s little Molly in her arms teethered to life support tubes... Monday night Bill and Pam Mutz and Barbara and I witness the unimaginable…we sit in a hospital room as Jake hold’s Molly…listening for over 2 hours as Jake and Rebecca process their choices. God is God, but it’s impossible to NOT feel, this just shouldn’t be. What a choice for a young couple to have to make. They decide to not pursue the several very dangerous and complex brain surgeries and remove life support later in the week. Tuesday, honestly, I don’t know what happened to Tuesday. But I do know that if love could heal, Molly would be well. Instead, we can all see Molly’s little chest pounding, her heart beating faster and faster, trying to keep up with what she needs to live. 60-80% of her blood is going to her brain when it should be 10-15%. I do know that Wednesday was an incredible day. Videoing, picture taking, making a mold of Molly’s hands, Rebecca and Jake holding Molly still teethered by life support tubes. Rebecca and the mom’s giving Molly her first, and only bath, washing her hair. Stroking her little naked body. This is not what this young mother expected. Doing footprints and hand prints. Ask me to show you my bible and I’ll show you her footprints all over Psalm 127 and 128…and her handprint on my life verse, Psalm 112:1-2…Her life may have been short in terms of days, but her life has been mighty. Mighty Molly Mutz. Wednesday closed out with this email at midnight from Jake, on the close of the last full day that Molly will likely live: I just got done holding Molly chest-to-chest for the last 3.5 hours! Heavenly! I could feel her beating heart on my bare chest! 2569 kisses later I relinquished her to MomShe is an Angel!!!! Now Rebecca is experiencing this delight! I just looked over at Bec & she nodded, as if to say - I WILL be sleeping here with my Sweet Pea for the next 12 hours!We love you guys!Jake & RebeccaAnd now today. Molly’s coronation day. Read Ecclesiastes 7:1-4. This morning we will all say goodby one by one and then leave Rebecca and Jake to spend the afternoon with her. She is expected to live only a few minutes after being taken off all life support machines later on this afternoon. Pray for Jake and Rebecca today. And for the Mutz family and ours.Our hearts are breaking. You are loved and appreciated,
Molly’s Papa
Ps 112:1-2
I read it and just wept. Although there are too many e-mails to share, I was able to see pictures of the family, and they parents of this little girl look to be around the same age as me and Josh. I can't help but wonder, could we make that decision? And if we had to, would it be as holy, and sacred an occasion as they have made it? Please pray for this couple. I have been diligently praying for their baby, and now I pray that God will give them the strength they need to get through this.
As the sun is coming out here in Colorado , and The Son will soon be welcoming home Rebecca and Jakes daughter, Molly. A gift, entrusted to them for 7 days, to be ushered home, undoubtedly by a band of the gentlest and mighty angels dispatched from the throne of God to carry her into the presence of The Savior. What has been tough, is about to get much tougher. Pray for Rebecca and Jake and forward this email to anyone you know who will pray for them. Our days here have been so full of the presence of God. Honoring Him for Molly Ann. Friday morning she was born… she didn’t cry for nearly 4’ because she was suffering from congestive heart failure. Her mom held her only for seconds before she was whisked away to be placed on life support. We think her problem is a heart murmur. Oh how I wish that was all she had. She is rushed by ambulance to The Children’s Hospital here in Aurora . We arrive that evening to hear Jake say she is going to need brain surgery. I am thinking…I wish it was a heart murmur. Saturday was a day of testing, in more ways than one. She has x-rays, ultra-sound, and MRIs around 11. The radiologist makes a copy for Jake and me from her text book about the Vein of Galen. I go on line and find out that Molly is up against a serious abnormality in the middle of her brain that it is VERY rare and VERY destructive. Around 4 we are seated in a private room with a neurologist, cardiologist, neonatologist, and nurse giving us the news that over 50% of Molly’s brain is permanently damaged and that the damage affects both halves of the brain. 10-15-20 dangerous surgeries, she MIGHT be able to have A FEW functions as a human being. (Later I talk to a friend who has been a neurologist for 30 years and he puts it in perspective—“In cases like Molly where there is so much brain damage, I have never seen a good outcome through surgery.” Never is a strong word. Yet we hope and pray for a miracle…even today) It is as though this young couple have been hit by a truck, news beyond comprehension. Joy turns to mourning. In other words, it would take a miracle for Molly to live. Sunday Jake’s parents, Bill and Pam Mutz, arrive along with some of their family. Laura flies in from DC, Samuel and Stephanie and their three children fly in from Seattle , Ashley flies in from Memphis where she was on vacation with her husband and 5 sons and Ben and Marsha Kay come to the hospital. Rebecca and Jake want to introduce their new daughter to each family member. Many come and kneel at Rebecca’s feet and just sob. When a family is being a family it is powerful. Worshipful. God honoring. Jake and Rebecca spend a good bit of Sunday and Monday praying, talking, seeking second opinions trying to decide what is God’s will for Molly…what is the loving thing to do? Monday we surround Molly and have a baby dedication, read Scripture, pray and sing a couple of songs. More than a dozen of us weep our way through the familiar hymn: Turn your eyes upon Jesus.Look full in His wonderful face.And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,In the light of His glory and grace.Again many of us kneel at Rebecca’s feet as she hold’s little Molly in her arms teethered to life support tubes... Monday night Bill and Pam Mutz and Barbara and I witness the unimaginable…we sit in a hospital room as Jake hold’s Molly…listening for over 2 hours as Jake and Rebecca process their choices. God is God, but it’s impossible to NOT feel, this just shouldn’t be. What a choice for a young couple to have to make. They decide to not pursue the several very dangerous and complex brain surgeries and remove life support later in the week. Tuesday, honestly, I don’t know what happened to Tuesday. But I do know that if love could heal, Molly would be well. Instead, we can all see Molly’s little chest pounding, her heart beating faster and faster, trying to keep up with what she needs to live. 60-80% of her blood is going to her brain when it should be 10-15%. I do know that Wednesday was an incredible day. Videoing, picture taking, making a mold of Molly’s hands, Rebecca and Jake holding Molly still teethered by life support tubes. Rebecca and the mom’s giving Molly her first, and only bath, washing her hair. Stroking her little naked body. This is not what this young mother expected. Doing footprints and hand prints. Ask me to show you my bible and I’ll show you her footprints all over Psalm 127 and 128…and her handprint on my life verse, Psalm 112:1-2…Her life may have been short in terms of days, but her life has been mighty. Mighty Molly Mutz. Wednesday closed out with this email at midnight from Jake, on the close of the last full day that Molly will likely live: I just got done holding Molly chest-to-chest for the last 3.5 hours! Heavenly! I could feel her beating heart on my bare chest! 2569 kisses later I relinquished her to MomShe is an Angel!!!! Now Rebecca is experiencing this delight! I just looked over at Bec & she nodded, as if to say - I WILL be sleeping here with my Sweet Pea for the next 12 hours!We love you guys!Jake & RebeccaAnd now today. Molly’s coronation day. Read Ecclesiastes 7:1-4. This morning we will all say goodby one by one and then leave Rebecca and Jake to spend the afternoon with her. She is expected to live only a few minutes after being taken off all life support machines later on this afternoon. Pray for Jake and Rebecca today. And for the Mutz family and ours.Our hearts are breaking. You are loved and appreciated,
Molly’s Papa
Ps 112:1-2
I read it and just wept. Although there are too many e-mails to share, I was able to see pictures of the family, and they parents of this little girl look to be around the same age as me and Josh. I can't help but wonder, could we make that decision? And if we had to, would it be as holy, and sacred an occasion as they have made it? Please pray for this couple. I have been diligently praying for their baby, and now I pray that God will give them the strength they need to get through this.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
To go, or not to go. That is the question.
So I'm stuck in the middle of a decision that probably shouldn't even be a big one, but for whatever reason seems overwhelmingly huge to me. I can't decide when it's the right time to make an appointment with the fertility center. One side of my head says, "It's just an appointment, not a commitment." The other side says, "But if you go, you'll be admitting you are...infertile..." That's ridiculous, huh? I mean obviously I should be past that part because we've been trying for 21 months! The sensible side of me tends to lean towards the first. I mean it's just an appointment. BUT, I guess I feel like it's admitting failure in a way. It does NOT help that I was voted the worlds greatest procrastinator-haha. In the famous words of Mark Twain, "Never put off tomorrow, what you can do the day after tomorrow." I keep thinking that if I wait just one more cycle, we'll be able to do it on our own! And part of me is really scared that he'll say something like, "K, I'm sorry but your uterus is turned inside out and your fallopian tubes never developed all the way, and you have hostile cervical mucous that sits in waiting with AK47s killing off J's little men as soon as they cross into enemy lines." Then I'll be suckered into throwing away tens of thousands of dollars to smuggle the little weaklings in so they can detonate the bomb they should. Stupid, stubborn cervical mucous protectors.
SO...I have two options. I can try one more round of Clomid, preferably a six-month round, with Dr.T, or I can schedule an appointment with the RE. I just can't decide. Either way, we'll be making a decision by the first week of August. We are scheduled for vacation that week, so regardless of which doctor, we'll be seeing someone during that week to talk about the next step.
SO...I have two options. I can try one more round of Clomid, preferably a six-month round, with Dr.T, or I can schedule an appointment with the RE. I just can't decide. Either way, we'll be making a decision by the first week of August. We are scheduled for vacation that week, so regardless of which doctor, we'll be seeing someone during that week to talk about the next step.
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